Saints and Sinners

² When you give to the poor, don’t blow a loud horn. That’s what show-offs do in the meeting places and on the street corners, because they are always looking for praise. I can assure you that they already have their reward.

³ When you give to the poor, don’t let anyone know about it  ⁴ Then your gift will be given in secret. Your Father knows what is done in secret, and he will reward you.”

When I see adoptive parents bragging, boasting, or tooting their own horn about how great they are I often wonder if their rewards in heaven will be withheld. The article about Tina, in and of itself, is not really Tina tooting her own horn, but it borders on it. One could not simply make that assumption by reading the article by itself. But if we could hear what Tina thinks of birthmothers everywhere, in comparison to herself, you will see a stark contrast to the woman portrayed in this media article.

For the purposes of this article, and to protect my sources and their privacy, I will call this birthmom Andrea. Andrea is a member of different groups on Facebook. Some time ago Andrea had commented in a group, totally unrelated to adoption, about the term “gotcha day” that someone had used in reference to the child she had adopted. She had also made vague comments about how it made her feel. Andrea decided to check her “other” folder on Facebook tonight. That is the folder that most people are unaware of. Facebook will send almost all messages from people you don’t know to this folder. You can only check this folder via the desktop site. Anyhow, Andrea checked her “other folder” and found an unsolicited message from Tina in regards to her comments in that other group. The comments Andrea has made are no longer able to be found as it was some time ago. I will trust that Andrea has been forthcoming to me in regards to the nature of the comments. There was no name-calling, no big scene. Just her personal thoughts as a birthmother and how that made her feel. I feel it is important to emphasize, for clarification purposes, that Andrea did not lose her children to the foster care system and  “voluntarily” relinquished rights to her child shortly after birth with an adoptive couple picked out prior to birth. Andrea has a good relationship with her child’s adoptive parents.

So as not to be accused of portraying anyone in false light, I will have to show the conversation that ensued between Tina and Andrea in its entirety. In my opinion, Tina was baiting Andrea. She was trying to invoke a strong emotional response from her. She was bullying her. Andrea did a pretty good job of keeping a level head, I think. Sometimes you can only be pushed so far and cut down so much before you must say something, though. I believe the purpose of Tina’s interactions with Andrea was to make her feel bad about herself. To make her feel low and to remind Andrea how much better Tina is than her because she saved children from the foster care system. Tina may have been angry that someone in a group may question something about adoption that she believed in and to “get back” at that person she thought she would use her words to hurt her. I can’t say for sure since I am not Tina, but from my social experiences in life (and having been in Tina’s shoes and done the same thing – albeit probably not since I was in my early 20’s) this is the opinion and conclusion I draw.

I will let the messages speak for themselves and you can draw your own conclusions, form your own opinions.

Note: I am publishing these messages with the permission of Andrea. In both of our opinions this was unsolicited hate mail with the intent to humiliate, intimidate and shame. Because a news story had been formerly run about how great Tina was, how unselfish and giving she was, I would like to build on that story and show a different side of Tina in the name of public interest. Early into these messages Andrea does say that she will be giving the communication to a third party for publishing. I assume that further messages from Tina mean her implied consent was given for this.

Please click to enlarge.

I am not sure if Tina was aware that Andrea was not a mother who had abused or neglected her child and, therefore, had her rights terminated. I don’t really think it matters. Even if that had been the case, anyone who would go this far to make someone feel bad about themselves, in my opinion, must have some serious underlying insecurities that need to be addressed. Maybe Tina doesn’t have any insecurities and she is projecting her feelings of anger for her children’s birthmother onto Andrea because she has been unable to resolve this within herself. I can’t really say for sure. Only Tina knows the answer to that question.

But I will say this.

I mentioned above that even in abuse and neglect cases the child’s birth parents must be honored. Not for the sake of the birthmother but for the sake of the child. A child removed from the care of their natural parents, even if they do not remember those parents, can be compared to a child of divorce. Even if you are not vocally expressing bad things about those other parents, children are very intuitive. They pick up on these things. Since a child, genetically, is a part of their natural mother and natural father, when they feel (or hear) that the other parent (or adoptive parent) thinks unkindly of them, they will use that as a reflection of self. They will internalize it. The thought process is, “I am a part of Mom A and Dad A. If Mom B and Dad B think Mom A and Dad A are bad then maybe I am bad too because I am a part of them.” This i how a child reasons things. Even as adults, who know better, those feelings never truly go away. Their brain says “that’s not true” but their hearts say “maybe it is.” A great read on this type of stuff is by Marina Sbrochi of the Huffington Post and can be found here.

I truly feel bad that Tina has not yet been able to come to terms with what the natural parents of her twins have done to put those children in the position they were in. I feel even worse for her kids if she never does come to terms with it. However, it could be a great teaching opportunity. Compassion, empathy, forgiveness. No one ever says when they are a child, “I want to grow up to be a drug addict, abuse my kids, neglect my kids, have my kids taken away from me.” There are circumstances in these people’s lives that have led to this. While it is horrific to see what these children have gone through, it should be explained to them that their parents are not inherently evil. They have made huge mistakes and have battled sicknesses but have not been able to overcome them. They should be given permission to feel angry while at the same time be given permission to love their parents. It is natural for them to feel love for these people, no matter how many bad things they were exposed to because of them. Like I said, it isn’t about the parents, it’s about the child.

The messages that I have posted did not reflect compassion, empathy or forgiveness. They reflected anger. Definitely directed at the wrong person but I can’t help but think, if this is the way Tina feels about the woman who gave life to her children, how might that make these children feel about themselves.