I’m sorry you’re struggling.
I’m sorry for your pain.
I’m sorry if I caused it, even inadvertently.
I’m sorry life is so rough.
If I could take it all away, I would. If I could trade places with you, I would.
There’s so much I want to tell you, so much I want to say, but I cannot find the words before fear takes hold and I’m frozen.
My worst fear? You hate me, you reject me, you can never forgive me.
I suppose I probably deserve it but it doesn’t make it less scary.
Day in, day out, every day of my life since the day you were born, I’ve missed you. I’ve needed you. I’ve mourned you like you were lost to the universe, but you are alive. So close to my soul, yet a stranger, but not by my choosing.
It’s not your fault, my pain. Not at all. It’s not your fault, your pain. Not at all.
It’s not your job to heal this scar I have learned to wear as my talisman. I know that. But maybe we could heal each other?
Maybe when you find this, my inner most thoughts, my opinions, the work I’ve done, the activism I’ve embraced, you’ll be angry with me. Angrier even.
Maybe the whole adoption thing isn’t even on your radar and your pain began with something else.
They told me a “better life” is what you’d have. I believed them. I had nothing, someone else had everything and then they really had my everything when they got you.
My dear, darling, beautiful, broken, baby girl who isn’t a baby anymore.
You are stronger than you know and there are so many things that await you in this life. Good things, beautiful things. Even if you don’t want me a part of those things please hear my words.
Don’t you ever give up.
Don’t let them get you.
Don’t let them make you feel bad.
Don’t let them make you feel small.
Don’t let them determine your worth.
Whoever them may be in your life.
Your worth, my daughter, is more than rubies. More than gold. More than diamonds.
Everything about you that makes you, you is perfection. Everything.
I love you.