It’s been some time since I’ve updated here at Musings of a Birthmom. This will be a short, sweet, personal update to explain my absence – for anyone who should care.
My husband had back surgery about 3 weeks ago and his recovery was more than anticipated. He’s required a heavy level of care-giving that made multi-tasking nearly impossible to do. I had to prioritize and, as much as I love you all, this blog took a backseat for a few weeks. I do apologize. I had finals to take, kids to care for, housework to catch up on, and a husband who needed me. I also had, admittedly, writers block. I simply couldn’t think of anything to write but, at the same time, thought of millions of things to write about. It was quite the conundrum. I’m also hesitant to post personal updates about myself because doing so also reveals personal information about my daughter that she’d probably rather not have shared, even if no one knows who she is. I decided to go with a happy medium.
I was so looking forward to a face to face reunion with her this summer. I was also scared to death. I thought she’d be sorely disappointed in me, the real me…that maybe I wouldn’t live up to what she had thought about me in her mind. I was terrified that she’d take one look at our meager lower-middle class surroundings and think, “dodged that bullet.” I was scared of a lot of things, some irrational, some not. The most horrifying thing I could think of was to begin to have a full-blown panic attack the moment I saw her. “Hey! I’m your mom! I’m also nuts and can’t breathe because I’m so scared and I may faint on you in a minute. But I’m really a super cool person if you can get past the oddities that are my mental health.” For reasons that are really no one’s fault, we won’t be meeting for the “first” time. I was disappointed, hurt, relieved, and hopeful. Very confusing place to be. But I’m okay now. And I’ll be okay. Crap, we’ll ALL be okay. Since I seem to reproduce introverts prone to social anxiety, and am one myself, I often wonder if we’ll ever meet. Ha ha! But we’ll be okay.
I promise I have some exciting blog posts to read coming up soon. There are some things that need to be exposed and I am finally in a place where I think I can put my thoughts together and do so. Thanks for those who’ve hung in there with me and, of course, thank you to everyone who reads, and takes to heart or puts into action, the message I am conveying. It is truly appreciated. Together we will change the world….or, at least, this little corner of the Internet. I’d hate to be too overzealous and have a panic attack.
Musings of a Birthmom by Jennifer Wachowski 
Dear Claudia, I am sincerely sorry your personal reunion w/your daughter did not occur. You write bravely how you will be okay, but I sense the walls around your heart are paper. I know how disappointed I would be, in fact, I’ve been walking a tight rope the past 8 years. I was reunited with my daughter in 1999 (age 19) and then enjoyed 9 blissful yrs of relationship until 2008 when her husband demanded contact cease. Point is: I’ve lost her twice, so I understand the emotional vacillation that comes with this terrain. Know that I’ll be praying for you both – for wisdom, courage to step out, courage to be transparent, for acceptance and for divine timing. Take heart, Claudia – it will happen and when it does, it will be satisfying and healing. Blessings to you. You’re a woman of integrity and honor that your daughter will be delighted to know. Stay hopeful!
Warm regards,
Kate
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Hi Kate and thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so sorry that you have had to suffer the loss of your daughter twice. I can’t even imagine. 😦
Just to clarify, Claudia does syndicate this blog but Musings of a Birthmom is not Claudia. I’m not Claudia. Lol. Musings of the Lame is Claudia. I can totally understand the confusion. I created this blog title before I’d ever read her blog or knew who she was. Otherwise I would have titled it something less confusing! I apologize for that. But I do thank you for sharing such kind thoughts. It means a lot.
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Hi Astrid,
It is always good to read a post from you. I am sorry to hear your reunion got postponed. However having more time to prepare for it might prove to be beneficial.
I was anxious and worried about the first impression I would make on my first mother. We were meeting at myhome. When the big day arrived, I made sure the food was well prepared and the house was clean. Everything was almost perfect. On an impulse, I decided to also welcome her with a homey fire in the fireplace. Being nervous, I forgot to open the wdamper after lighting the fire. Soon the house filled with smoke and the fire alarm went off. I opened some windows to get rid of the smoke. I was on a ladder trying to unsuccessfully disconnect the smoke alarm when the doorbell rang. It was her. The alarm was so loud we had to use hand motions to communicate. So much for making a perfect first impression.
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Lol. I’m sure she didn’t even notice all of that because she was looking at you! At least, I know that’s what I would be doing. There’s absolutely nothing that she could do that would possibly make me have a “bad” first impression of her but I totally understand feeling extremely anxious surrounded by people who are strangers but also your family. I can’t even imagine what that would feel like. I’m sorry it was cancelled, too, but I’m happy as long as she’s comfortable and as long as things are on her terms. That’s all that matters to me.
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