Well, Now They Know!

How cliche, eh? Did “Frozen” pop into your head?  Yes, that’s what the title of this post is referencing. That beautiful, magical, played out song. I’ve heard it one too many times as well. Alas, this is the song that inspired today’s post. If you have not yet experienced the song, “Let It Go” then you are hiding under a rock and can listen to it on YouTube here. (You may want to go ahead and do that now)

I went to my local Family Video tonight to rent some movies to veg out to.  It was just me and the hubby.  Family Video always, I mean always, has a movie playing in the store when you enter. Tonight, when we walked in, “Frozen” was playing. Maybe it was the stars aligning, but a minute after entering the infamous song, mentioned above, started its performance in the store. I’ve heard the song a gazillion times and seen the movie almost as many times as that but it wasn’t until tonight that it struck me how much I could relate to the words.

I’m sure a source of the popularity of the song is the fact that it is versatile. Many people from all different walks of life can relate to letting go of the expectations thrust upon them and just finally being able to be true to themselves.  Previously I had always associated this song with my youngest daughter’s struggles to conform and fit in living with Asperger’s syndrome. And it fits well with that as well.  Being that it is a movie geared towards kids I had never presumed to think that, as an adult, I could relate.  Or maybe it was that part of me who didn’t want to. Either way, I realize I do. Especially in this chapter of my life called “Birthmom.”

One verse particularly rang true and resonated with me and it is as follows:

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know!

The pain and suffering I have endured for the past (almost) 14 years has been insufferable. I was told that I was a hero for giving the gift of a child to someone.  I was told I was courageous.  Yes, I was told it would hurt and I would need time to grieve, but I wasn’t told that the grief would last forever and that it would come in waves like the tides rolling in and out of the sea. I had to be the good girl.  I had to put on the happy birthmom face.  Shoot, I still do.  I don’t know how IKL’s parents would feel if they knew my true feelings about  adoption.  It may mean losing contact altogether with them and in turn IKL. But, in some small way, this blog has given me my voice back.  I am slowly coming out of my shell and acknowledging that my feelings are valid, my feelings matter, and they are important.  It is okay for me to have them.  I don’t have to be the good girl that I’m always supposed to be.  I have had to conceal my true feelings because I was led to believe that these feelings are not normal and I shouldn’t have them.  Well, now they know.

Another verse also strikes right at the heart of all of this:

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

I don’t care anymore.  I don’t care what they say.  I don’t care how others may feel about my feelings.  I’m allowed to have them.  I’m allowed to feel them.  I’m allowed to do whatever I need to do to be at peace with myself.  I don’t care what kind of blizzard I leave in my path. The ONLY person that I care about how my feelings will affect is IKL.  This is why I will honor whatever it is that she feels.  I will always place her feelings above mine.  That is what a mother does and it is what I will do. Her feelings are more important than mine right now. Other than that, I realize, the cold never bothered me anyway.

And yet another verse:

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!

Fear has been such a strong force in my life.  I have battled anxiety and panic attacks since I was a teenager. I have been fearful that if I voiced my opposition to the forces in my life that led to the relinquishment of my daughter that the world would crumble around me.  As I slowly emerge from my dark closet into the light of the sun I am realizing, little by little, that the world will not crumble.  Those who truly love and care for me understand and I have awesome family and friends. I feel like the baby steps I’ve been taking have turned into gigantic leaps and it is empowering. The fears that once controlled me truly cannot get me….AT ALL.

Almost every line of that song I can empathize with and relate to.  While it came from a Disney children’s movie, it is so empowering, albeit corny and cliche.  I am free to be me.  And whatever battle you are facing, whatever challenge or adversity that stares you in the face and prevents you from being true to YOUR self, I’m here to tell you that you are free to be you, too.

With much love to you all…let it go.

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