I’m Sorry

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you’re struggling.

I’m sorry for your pain.

I’m sorry if I caused it, even inadvertently.

I’m sorry life is so rough.

If I could take it all away, I would. If I could trade places with you, I would.

There’s so much I want to tell you, so much I want to say, but I cannot find the words before fear takes hold and I’m frozen.

My worst fear? You hate me, you reject me, you can never forgive me.

I suppose I probably deserve it but it doesn’t make it less scary.

Day in, day out, every day of my life since the day you were born, I’ve missed you. I’ve needed you. I’ve mourned you like you were lost to the universe, but you are alive. So close to my soul, yet a stranger, but not by my choosing.

It’s not your fault, my pain. Not at all. It’s not your fault, your pain. Not at all.

It’s not your job to heal this scar I have learned to wear as my talisman. I know that. But maybe we could heal each other?

Maybe when you find this, my inner most thoughts, my opinions, the work I’ve done, the activism I’ve embraced, you’ll be angry with me. Angrier even.

Maybe the whole adoption thing isn’t even on your radar and your pain began with something else.

They told me a “better life” is what you’d have. I believed them. I had nothing, someone else had everything and then they really had my everything when they got you.

My dear, darling, beautiful, broken, baby girl who isn’t a baby anymore.

You are stronger than you know and there are so many things that await you in this life. Good things, beautiful things. Even if you don’t want me a part of those things please hear my words.

Don’t you ever give up.

Don’t let them get you.
Don’t let them make you feel bad.
Don’t let them make you feel small.
Don’t let them determine your worth.

Whoever them may be in your life.

Your worth, my daughter, is more than rubies. More than gold. More than diamonds.

Everything about you that makes you, you is perfection. Everything.

I’m sorry.
So sorry.
I love you.

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11 thoughts on “I’m Sorry

  1. We all come to terms with our grief at different times and in different ways. My heart goes out to you, as I have been here. At some point for me, I needed to stop apologizing for that which was not a freely made choice. The apology is owed to our children by those who really had the choices, those who sought to exploit our circumstances and rob us & our children of that which they had no right to take. Of course, they owe us an apology too, to which us, nor our children are likely ever to get. But I care not one iota for them or how they justify their narcissistic lust for what their barren wombs wouldn’t bare or whether or not they sleep well at night; I’m sure they do as those who lack empathy likely spend little time concerning themselves with their impacts on others, only that they them selves are seen in the best light, soaking themselves in their own self aggrandizement. When I stopped feeling the need to apologize endlessly for what I had very little control over, and accepted that my child may very well hate me, internalize all the contempt and indifference she has been shown to feel for me, the breeder that is undeserving of any humanity and that that was neither my fault or something I could change, nor much cared if she chose to cast me off as the nothing they did–that it would not infact kill me–that’s when I was free. I wish an easing of the pain you carry in your whole body and soul, in what ever way that will look like for you.

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  2. Pingback: I’m Sorry | Adoption & Birth Mothers*

  3. As someone who relinquished a child to adoption in 1973, you are putting yourself through unnecessary hell. Learn from what I went through. Years of self destructive behavior and insane grief. I know the endless aching and anxiety until I could no longer stand to be in my own skin.That is reason enough to be crazy, but go a little easier on yourself. You know who you should spend more time on loving? You. You are suffering for YOU AND your child, you are suffering for two people, yourself and the perceived pain of another. This is a lie, I know from experience. The pain you ‘think’ someone else is feeling, they usually aren’t suffering nearly as much as you think! Your child is probably just fine.  After years of agony on my part, my daughter found me when she was 39, and was just freaking fine, and bewildered as to why I was so miserable. She was confused or just plain didn’t care, that I spent my entire adult life eaten up with guilt and self loathing. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. IT’S NOT YOUR DAMN FAULT. One of my best friends said that to me Friday. It was the first time anyone had ever said that to me. It was wonderful.  Whatever your circumstances were, you couldn’t keep her. Just know this, your child loves you and will want  you in her life someday. She won’t blame you, you know why, because you are her REAL MOTHER. She will love you AND NEED YOUR LOVE, NOT YOUR GUILT. She will need above all your support and happiness. So work on that, because when you are finally with her for good, that is what she will want the most, nothing else. God bless you (and there’s always karma. She will even the score for you) Every little thing is going to be alright. It really will be. Go do something to make yourself happy, damn it I mean it!!! Your little girl is having a good day, you go have a better one!!!(Hope you get this. I couldn’t figure out how to log into wordpress) xox

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  4. I hope she finds this someday, and realizes this is your apology that she has longed to hear. We need to say it. They need to hear it. Even when we had no control over the separation adoption used against us. As mothers, we must apologize for the damage it has done to our children. Even if the adoption is considered good, as in the case of my daughter. the healing process can begin when she replies with “I forgive you.” There will be a lot of unknowns you will eventually feel you need to apologize for. So many you aren’t even aware of yet. Keep the faith.

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  5. My first mother also believes that I hate and refuse to forgive her for surrendering me for adoption. She uses her belief as a reason to reject me. I searched for her for ten years before finding her. That is how much she meant to me. Unwed mothers aren’t shamed and punished anymore and I don’t think she should be either. I read The Girls Who Went Away to try to understand her. She sent me this letter. Can anyone help me understand it? Is walking away the best thing to do for her? Please let me know.

    “Your bio-sister tells me you plan to come to Austin.
    I don’t feel that it’s good for me to see you. I frankly feel you have a need to punish me for my giving you up for adoption. Our relationship consists of you needing to “out” me in front of family and friends for my “sin”. Then I must constantly make amends to you. You are my judge and jury and I am unforgiven.

    I feel you truly hate me and have no compassion or understanding in your heart for me. It’s all about YOU.
    Now all you want to do is remind me and everyone who loves me what a terrible person I am. “Hey Luke and Kate did you know you grandmother abandoned me when I was a baby. What do you think of that?”
    Be honest with yourself. You really don’t want to connect to our family but only to embarrass and punish me.
    I’m nearly 70 years old and I don’t need this.
    P.S. You really don’t need to come”

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    • To me, this screams self punishment, PTSD, and a self worth lower than the scum under the refrigerator. She honestly CAN’T believe that you would love her or forgive her so assumes your intentions must have underlying reasons. It’s very very sad and I’m so sorry you have to face this rejection. I know it probably doesn’t help but it really isn’t a reflection on you but of the deep deep trauma she endured for many years. The trauma began with the stigma of being an unwed mother and continued, unaddressed, for the rest of her life. If she would be open to some online or in person support groups with other first moms I think it would greatly benefit her. I can put her in touch with some baby scoop era moms who are members of Concerned United Birthparents if she’s willing. She should also check out the CUB website at cubirthparents.org. Hugs to you.

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  6. As an adoptee (born May 1977 in Minnesota) – I’ve been considering whether or not to search for my birth mother and father, but more from the perspective of someone who does not want to cause someone else pain. I am aware that there’s a possibility that I could trigger flashbacks, I don’t know the circumstances my birth parents were in when I was born. I have only the basic details, and I’ve been reading blogs and articles from adoptees and birth mothers and considering it. The idea is frightening and exciting at the same time. I really appreciated reading this. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. As an adoptee, I don’t blame my birth mother one bit. No anger or resentment – just fear that my presence would bring more pain than joy.

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    • Thank you for your kind words, Jen. I won’t lie to you, finding your birthmom will bring up painful memories and because of that there’s a chance she may not want to have a relationship or may need some time to get to that point. BUT, as a birthmom, it may also cause her great joy amidst the pain. Almost all first moms I’ve spoken with, even those who don’t wish to have a relationship, found some peace knowing their child was alive and well. Personally, I’d jump through every painful hoop I have to just for the chance to be in my daughter’s life. If you do search, there are some steps you can take to assure better chances of a healthy reunion. If you’d like some resources feel free to email me.

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