Today I will open up an intimate part of my life for all of the world to see. I will share with you a few letters that IKL’s sisters have written to her. I do this in order to show that the effects of an adoption are much broader than one may think of at the time. Even if you are planning on placing your first child, you must consider how your future children will feel in order to make the best decision for you. While my children are not crumbling to the ground and devastated by IKL’s adoption, I wish that someone would have told me that this would be difficult for them too. To my knowledge there isn’t any literature for parented children, as I’ve stated in previous posts, to even introduce the fact that they have a sibling who is adopted out. I had to wing it. My youngest is now 12 and she is the only child I had post-adoption. As you will see, just because she wasn’t around when IKL was placed doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect her. The first letter is from my oldest daughter and was written when she was 12 and is unedited. We will refer to her as “M.”
Dear IKL,
I Wish I could see you right now, how we might be completely alike or very different from each other. In case you don’t know my name is M. I have always wanted to see you my whole life, like where’s my sister and is she even real , why can’t I see her, I miss her. All those questions where answered when I found out you were real ( of course) and that I could wright you a AWESOME letter. Hey maybe one day we could be like pen pals or something like that. You know what? I feel like your’e my friend actually. We don’t Really know eachother so lets start now.
I have a dog named R and a cat who is obsessed with me named B, don’t be fooled by the name he’s a boy. I play guitar and clairinet, and a little bit of piano.
I have a best friend named J, Her mom is my art teacher and did i mention that i wrote a book and that I am awesomly creative in art.
I am in two bands, one in which is a classical and one for church, I’m a singer and a song writter. I used to live in {redacted} now I live in {redacted}. But i still go to {redacted} school.
Not very many people are nice to me and my friends there but outside of school me and my friends have totally different lives.
Everyone loves us or thinks we are awesome at my friends church.and I think the people there are awesome too.
in A couple of days me and my friends are going to do a flash mob, ask your mom if you dont know what it means,( not that you wouldn’t but still) and we all have to wear awesome sun glasses and leather jackets and it is going to be AMAZING.
Wish me luck little sis and I miss you SOOOOOOO much i REALLY want to see you, NOW i can’t put it in words its like saying,” Oh no you cant play the guitar anymore or saying you can’t use the bathroom anymore”. Thats how ridiculous it is.
As you can see, M struggles with missing her sister. A sister she doesn’t even remember meeting. She said she has vague memories of the last time we saw IKL (when IKL was almost 2) but nothing very clear. I think its important to note that M struggles to make herself look like someone worthy of her sister’s love and friendship. She really focuses on playing herself up in hopes this will make her more appealing to her sister. It’s all her 12 year old mind knew of.
This next letter is from my youngest daughter, “A,” and was written about a year and a half ago when A was 10. It is unedited as well.
Dear IKL, april 7 20013
This is your birthsister A. My mom said we are both silly and thats true we both look alike a lot alike, M (our sister) and you look alike to. I like horses, games, and music. My favirite singer is Bruno Mars. Who do you like? What is your school like? Mine is fun, big and doesnt allow bullying. I am 10 years old. I have a dog and a cat R and B. R is 4 and B is 7. My mom said you have a dog. What is it’s name? Maybe someday we could talk to each other. What’s your house like? The games I like to play are Whoonu (its a board game), Little Big Planet, and Borderlands and Red Dead Redemption. I wear glasses or else I can’t see good. (I can’t see small words). My favorite books are Bad Kitty books, and Dog Cases. I like to rite pomes and draw. I could send you one of my pomes. my favirite toy is my furby but the batterys died last night 😦 I ate sooooooo much easter candy I got sick. my baby cosin M got scared of my sister m’s drawing she made on our bedroom wall. It was funny. my dad snores so loud that m (cousin) thought ther was a bear sleeping in his room but my mom showed her it was just uncle j. Now when you ask her if theres a bear sleeping she says its just uncle j. lol. I have to share a bedroom with my sister. it gets anoying sometimes. My cat whenevr hes sleeping hes always on my bed. I have a youtube chanel if you want to see me. I hope you are good and I love you.
Love,
A
A’s letter is slightly different than M’s as A is a bit younger at the time of writing it. She still expresses a desire to talk to and have a relationship with IKL and tries her hardest to let IKL into her world. Clearly my choice of adoption has impacted my daughters. This was, initially, one of my biggest concerns when choosing adoption. I was assured than an open adoption would allow my kids and future children to grow up knowing their sibling. This has not happened. Each of the girls wrote another letter via snail mail about 3 months ago. IKL received it. To this date she has not felt comfortable enough to communicate back with the girls. It is heartbreaking to see my daughters reach out to their sister and get nothing back. I don’t blame IKL at all. I’m sure it’s tremendously harder for her to even think about what to write back or if she should write back. It’s just a tough place to be in and something that all moms contemplating adoption should really think about. My mother’s heart is pulled and torn.
Musings of a Birthmom: The Honest Ramblings of a First Mother 