All Parenting Groups Suck – Including This One; When Adoption Spills Into Real Life and No One is Educated

I was added to a “parenting” group several months back by a birthmom acquaintance. It seemed to be a pretty cool group. They were “woo-free” which means nothing not scientifically proven. They believed in trigger warnings and seemed pretty feminist and non-judgmental.  Until today.  A member, Monique, posted a screenshot of a private message her friend had sent asking about the adoption of Monique’s oldest child. The friend was considering surrogacy and seemed to have adoption and surrogacy confused. The member, Monique LeFave-Borden, seemed exremely pissed that this friend would dare say “give up” instead of “placed” in regards to her child.  Looks like the adoption industry does a good job of propagating their propaganda even in a “woo-free” group. Lots of woo going on with adoption in this group. I interjected with my opinion and was told “NOT ALL!” Of course., That’s always the answer. Its a stupid answer. If I told you to wear your seat belt when driving in the car to remain safe in case of an accident would the appropriate response be, “NOT ALL people get in accidents and need seat belts.” Apply here.

Anywho, I gave my sage wisdom <insert sarcasm here> about my general thoughts on the adoption industry. Gave my credentials since this was NOT an adoption related group. I needed to back up my claims with beef. I got one adopted person in that group saying “thanks for making me feel like a commodity.” Another one referred me to rule number 1 of the group rules.  The rule (I would have screen shot that if I had had time before being booted and blocked) was basically don’t be an asshole and be willing to learn. I guess that only applies to people who think adoption is great. Because these people were certainly being an asshole about MY lived experiences and they certainly weren’t willing to learn anything other than what our culture has brainwashed them to believe their whole lives.

Miss “Not All” even said, “well that’s not my story.” I wanted to rebuttal, well your story doesn’t really matter. Your child’s does and you can’t speak for your child. But I didn’t get a chance.  The name of the group is “All Parenting Groups Suck – Except For This One.” Except this one does, too, apparently suck. Suck big time balls. I was silenced, yet again, for speaking my truths, the truths of countless others. I’m sure there’s adoptive parents in the group unwilling to look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I wanted a baby, I bought a baby, and I’m gonna keep telling myself I was saving a child who needed a home.” But, “woo-free” ya’ll. Uh huh.  They didn’t let me stick around to talk about facts.  Facts like adoptees being FOUR TIMES more likely to attempt suicide. Not because adoptees have something inherently wrong with them. Probably because their brainwashed adoptive and birth parents refuse to listen to anything other than woo and continue to silently damage them while the adoptee is too scared to say how they really feel. But, ya know, “woo-free” group! Yay!

So here I am bitching about it. Maybe warning others. A trigger warning if you must. Like all the trigger warnings people require in this group if you’re talking about falling down on the ground while holding your infant and people laughing at you. Yes, someone actually chastised a member the other day for not putting a trigger warning when she was venting about how she fell down while holding her 6 month old and people laughed at her. But lets sit and spout adoption propaganda positive adoption language all day long and not give a fuck who it might trigger, right? I’ll leave  you with the screen shots. I’m the only one whose name is blocked out.

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Woo

YOU CAN SEE THEY’RE STARTING TO TAG ADMINS NOW. I APPARENTLY COMMITTED AN ATROCITY BY DEFYING THE ADOPTION NARRATIVE SOCIETY HAS BEEN FEEDING THEM.

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I’ll leave you with a list of admins:

ADMINS

ADMINS OF “ALL PARENTING GROUPS SUCK – EXCEPT THIS ONE” EXCEPT THIS ONE SUCKS EVEN MORE THAN OTHER ONES BECAUSE I’VE STATED THESE SAME THINGS IN OTHER GROUPS AND HAVE BEEN CHALLENGED BUT NEVER SILENCED SO SWIFTLY.

PS – Jessica, don’t try to silence me again. I’ll just take my thoughts here to get them out to the whole wide world. This really raises my blood pressure, sweetie.  Bless your heart.

Edit: Jessica has since changed her name on Facebook to Jes Mill. Here is a link to her profile since she’s now attempting to hide: https://www.facebook.com/100000502802495

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Search Angels – Assistance For Your Adoption Search & Reunion

Finding people can be hard. Throw in adoption and it can be even harder, or seem impossible. Many times adoptees or their families are at a total loss on how to even begin. I would like to talk to everyone today about search angels. I have had the privilege of learning so much, over the years, from these wonderful people. They have taught me so much about not only becoming a search angel, but helping others navigate search and reunion.

What is a search angel?

A search angel is someone who, free of charge to you, uses their own resources and time to find someone you are looking for, typically in an adoption situation. Many times search angels have had their lives touched by adoption in one way or another and this is what is the driving force to do what they do. Each search angel has their own resources. Some of these are in the form of paid databases and some of these are in the form of hard to get birth indexes. Utilizing just one search angel can definitely lead to a successful reunion, but I would like to point out the “new” way of doing searches.

Search angels that work WITH each other, combining resources and talents, to give the greatest chance of a successful search. I have seen, time and time again, through Facebook groups made specifically for this reason, the magic of search angels working together.

Before I end this article I will give you the links to a new search angel group that a very good friend of mine runs. She is probably one of the best there are out there and I have learned a lot from her.

Upon entering one of these groups, you will need to keep some things in mind.

Typically, search angel groups will not search for someone under the age of 21 without prior approval from an admin and then only under unique circumstances. Search angel groups will not search, in most circumstances, for an adoptee that was removed from the home under CPS. Search angel groups do not have magical access to hidden date of birth registries for everyone born in this country. They use intuition and the resources they have to paint a picture and connect the dots. Why is this important to know? Because you need to have a few things in place if you want your search to have the greatest chance of being successful.

Non-identifying Information

Non-identifying information, and how it is obtained, will vary from state to state. Typically it will include details about birth parents, or adoptive parents, such as what they do for a living, things they enjoy, what their health is like, and possibly way more stuff. What makes one search successful over the other? It’s in the details. In other words, the non-ID. Before initiating a search it is imperative that you look up your state’s laws on non-ID and what you are able to get and then get it. If you are unable, for some reason such as money, to do this then you should definitely still start your search but try to save, over time, the money required for this information. I do find it deplorable that any agency would charge hundreds of dollars for this information, but it is such important information to have. Some states or agencies won’t charge anything or will only charge a very small fee to cover their ink and paper used to print it. I’ve seen others charge upwards of $800. Which leads me to my last point.

Search angel groups can also be a valuable resource for finding out exactly what you will need to do and the steps to go ahead to get more information. Be sure to read any group’s rules before posting as there are usually specific requirements that are needed to proceed. This isn’t to be mean but, rather, to make sure your search has the BEST chance of success.

For any search in any state I would like to introduce you to Research & Reunion Team. You can find your way there by clicking their name in this post. It will open in a new tab.

If you or the person you are looking for was born in California, however, you are asked to join California Search Group. You can find your way there by clicking on their name in this post. It will open in a new tab.

Finally, if you have any questions don’t hesitate to comment. I wish you the best in your search!

-Astrid