In the Wee Hours of the Night

Here it is, 3 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep.  Most of the time the everyday stresses and worries of life are what would keep me awake at this hour.  Every once in a while, however, it is IKL.  I often replay the brief times I had with her over and over in my head.  As we grow older, time also goes faster and I cannot believe that in a little over a month she will be 13.

My first two posts on here were a trite bit pessimistic.  An outlet for me to rage and feel self-pity.  Sometimes I just need that.  As time goes by I find myself worrying that IKL won’t want a relationship with me.  And, of course, I would honor and respect that.  That would be her choice and whatever she chooses would be just fine, as long as she is happy.  It just seems so wild to me that there is a person out there that I carried for 9 months that shares half of my DNA and half of my husband’s and I may never see her or talk to her.  Ever.  Talk about some tormenting thoughts.  That’s when I go back in my memory and pull those rare moments I did have with her to the forefront of my mind.

IKL’s parents are not horrible people.  I’ve heard horror stories from other birthmoms and I feel thankful that I don’t have that in my life.  Irregardless of how often we agreed to visit (haven’t had a visit since she was 2), they have never cut off communication (even when they were angry with me) and have always kept me informed on the important things in her life.  Good or bad.  I was recently informed that she was going through a hard time.  I won’t go into details here.  I am just so utterly thankful that I was told.  Of course, that just keeps me up more nights than most now. But I’m still thankful to be in the loop.

Since hearing that news I find myself constantly thinking about her and worrying.  I want to reach out to her mom, but don’t know how without seeming over-bearing, nosy or scaring her away.  I guess that no matter how long you’ve been a birthmom you still need reassurance.  I just need to hear she’s doing okay but at the same time feel I have no right to ask.  I mean, really, do I?

What makes everything harder is my two daughters at home.  IKL falls right in between them and the resemblance is amazing.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like for all three girls to be together.  I cannot allow myself to think to deeply into that big “what if” because it would only drive me crazy.  What’s done is done and I made the decision I made for the best of my daughters – all of them.  I only hope that one day IKL can tell me I made the right choice.  I’m forever fearing I didn’t make the right choice and she will hate me for it.

So into the night I go while trying to turn off my thoughts.

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