I just want her to be happy. That doesn’t mean I want her to be without trials. That doesn’t mean I don’t want her to never feel pain. We grow and learn from pain and trials. But I do want her to be happy. Regardless of all of my wants and desires to have her in my life, if I just knew she was happy then I could find peace. After all, wasn’t it the whole reason I did what I did? I was promised she would be happy. I was promised this because they could give her all of the things that I could not at the time. I was promised happiness for my daughter. I have no peace because I cannot genuinely say, given her history and all that has transpired, that she is happy. Her actions are not the actions of someone who is happy. Her behavior is not the behavior of someone who is happy. Yes, it hurts to not have her. But what hurts even more is the knowledge that she is not happy. She is not content. Sometimes I wonder whether it would have been easier to have never known the problems she has been facing all these years. The battle inside herself that is still raging. It would have been easier for me, yes, to not know. But I’m glad that I do. I’m glad that I can do my small part in advocating for her and helping her parents learn more about who she is when they learn more about who we are. This will only make it easier for her. And while my heart is breaking that she is not content, well-rounded and happy, it is a burden I will bear if it means that in some way, even the smallest, things may be easier for her.
These past 18 months have shaken me. They have caused me to question my beliefs about who I am and what I know to be true. The truth has revealed itself to me, little by little, and I crave to learn all I can about every view point that’s out there in regards to what it means to be an adopted person. While no two adopted persons are exactly the same or share exact same stories, there are some undeniable truths that apply to many. It is these truths that I need. I need to learn, I can’t get enough. I must know every potential feeling she may be feeling. I must know every potential thought that may run through her head. I feel like I am arming myself with knowledge. It gives me just that much more of an inside look into what her life may potentially be like. I want to be here to make things easier for her. I want to make sure she understands that, no matter what, I will always be here. I want her to know that it’s okay if she never wishes to meet us. I will still offer and give her whatever information she may need. I want her to know that it’s okay if she wants to try to have a relationship with us in the future and it doesn’t obligate her to continue a relationship if she feels its too much. I want her to know, I want to scream, that I only wanted her to be happy. It was all I was thinking about. It was all that mattered. I want her to know I am sorry. I am sorry if she ever felt rejected or unloved from the moment she came into this world. I am so sorry. My love, you were never unloved. You were always wanted. Everyday of my life my soul calls for you. And it always will.
I hope that she can be happy in the future. If I had a crystal ball and I could see into the future and see a happy life for her without emotional wounds, I would have peace. Even if I knew that right now she was not happy. I don’t have a crystal ball, though. None of us do. Even children we parent have no guarantee of their happiness in the future. The only difference is that I had a hand in raising my parented children to the best of my abilities and the comfort of knowing I did everything in my power to assure they were given the opportunities needed to have a happy life. I do not have that comfort with her. I entrusted it solely to other people. And while I am not saying I mistrust her parents, there is still that part of me, that deep place in my heart, that wonders…..what if? It is torment of the worst kind. There is no resolution. Only question after question.
I will do my best to find peace in the situation and take the small comforts I am given with every new picture that shows a smile on her face. I will take comfort in knowing that even if she is not content or happy that, for now, she is safe. Safe from herself. I will pray and understand that none of this is in my hands, none of it is really in her parent’s hands.
For now I have my blog. This is my safe place.