If….

Life has been busy. I started working full time, in addition to going to school full time. I know I’ve been neglecting this blog and I really wish I had more time to write.

There are so many good things in the works right now, as far as family preservation efforts are concerned. I can’t wait until the day I can share it with you all.

One day I was driving and my youngest daughter was in the car with me. She said, “If you wouldn’t have given IKL up for adoption then you wouldn’t be helping so many people with like searches and stuff or to help other people keep their babies.” I had to think for a few minutes before I responded. I hate the “God-ordained meant to be” adoption stories. This was bordering close to it. I told her that she was right. Had I not went through what I went through then I wouldn’t exist in this adoption world. I told her that sometimes when something bad happens to us we use it to do good things so it won’t happen to anyone else. I also emphasized that, if given the choice to go back in time, I would not be helping anyone and would instead be parenting my daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I love to help people and it is very rewarding. But would I trade my daughter for it? Sorry, but no. Not in a million years.

I’ve been in a semi-reunion with IKL for a few weeks now. I could never understand moms who turned their “found” children away. I think I do now. Under no circumstances would I ever turn her away, ever, but I understood where the fear comes from. I spent years fantasizing about the day we were reunited. When it was upon me the first thought I had was, “Please don’t reject me. I don’t know if I could take it.  I would probably die.” Part of me wanted to just close that door and not open it again to avoid the possibility of the pain of relinquishment all over again. For some, I imagine, it is easier to never let their children in than to have to say goodbye again. It’s terrifying. To me, however, it’s worth it and it’s the very least I can do for my daughter.

So, I’m still here, just busy with life and trying to keep my fear at bay.