Top 5 Things Not To Say To A Birthmother

Here we go again. Another blog post about what NOT to say to a birth/first/natural mother. Right? Wrong. I’ve seen them done a few times. The lists. What not to say to an adoptive mother. What not to say to a birthmother. What not to say to an adoptee. I can’t speak for others in the adoption community, but I can speak from a personal place as a first mom. While some things on these lists ring true with me, there just wasn’t one that truly felt all-encompassing or “complete.” Some even had things included that just grossed me out. So, in true Letterman style, here is my top FIVE list of things NOT to say or do to a first mom.

Avoiding Talking About the Child She Has Lost to Adoption Altogether.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t what not to say but it sure is what not to do. Some people truly don’t know how to approach the subject and don’t want to say the wrong thing. Instead they choose to not say anything at all. Even though we have been through a tremendous loss, we still want you to acknowledge our child. We want you to ask questions about them. Even if we have no information, whatsoever, we want to be asked. “Have you received any new pictures of [insert child’s name here]? How are you doing this time of the year without [insert child’s name here]? What do you think [insert child’s name here] looks like now?” It’s really quite simple. Living in a world where you are the only one who acknowledges your child’s existence can be miserable and lonely. Just because they are out of sight does not mean they are out of mind. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. It’s an ambiguous loss for us. There really is no closure. By asking us questions about our child, you acknowledge our pain, acknowledge our child, and open the door for further conversation if we feel up to it. If you don’t know what to say, just say so! “I’m not really sure what to say, but I was wondering if you wanted to talk about [insert child’s name here].” Even if the answer is, “I’m not really ready to talk about that” we will be over the moon that you asked. Really, we will. When people bring up our children in casual conversation it affirms to us that they do exist. They are real. We didn’t dream it up. Sometimes those are the only things that get us through the night.  Furthermore, for some women, it was a shameful thing to have a baby that was then lost to adoption. Many were ridiculed, sent away to be hidden and give birth, and chastised. Talking about their child, as a normal, positive, everyday thing, helps them to break those barriers they have battled their whole lives. It helps them to see themselves through a different set of eyes. Not the eyes that passed judgement and condemnation. Yes, talk about our children. Please do.

Don’t Withhold Personal Stories of Grief For Fear of Making Her Feel Bad

No one likes to be tiptoed around. Sometimes people can be super aware of the “adoption situation” and feel bad sharing their own loss stories. Sometimes their personal loss, they think, can pale in comparison to the first mom’s loss. This may be true sometimes but, as human beings, one thing we are great at is empathizing with each other. Sharing stories of personal loss with one another will sometimes find you at the beginning of a road called “healing.” Sometimes others are further in their journey and can offer some great advice or encouraging words. And sometimes being able to be the one to offer the encouraging words assists in your own personal journey of healing. Don’t be afraid of her grief (shoot, don’t be afraid of yours). Know it is a normal part of life when there is a loss. Know that tremendous learning can be gained from it as well as compassion, empathy, kindness, and understanding. Don’t rob each other of these opportunities. Open the door of grief together. Explore what’s inside and walk with each other on that path.

Avoid the Cliche Comments

“You can always have more children.”

“It was part of God’s plan.”

“What you did was brave and selfless.”

You know, all the things you’ll see pouring out of rainbow-colored lips on every “feel-good” adoption story you’ll ever read online. But here’s the deal. 1) Some women can’t always have more children. It’s called secondary infertility and it’s prominent among first moms. Even if she can have more, it doesn’t take away the pain of the one she lost. 2) You aren’t God and you don’t know His plan. And even if it was part of His plan (which I wholeheartedly believe 99% of domestic infant adoptions, done the way they are in America, are not) does that make her pain less? 3) It’s really not that brave when you have no other choice. Imagine standing at the edge of a cliff. The drop is 200 feet. Someone pushes you. You survive the fall. Someone tells you that you were brave to choose to jump off that cliff. Huh? You didn’t choose to jump, you had no choice, someone pushed you. That’s kind of how adoption works. Anyone who truly had any choice, at all, would have parented their child. No one wants to give away their child and go through this grief. They had NO CHOICE. And selfless? Well, it’s a horse a piece. It can’t be selfless because that means parenting a baby is selfish. Still….does this make her grief go away? Do not invalidate a mother’s grief from her adoption loss by throwing out the cliché statements that run a muck in the adoption world. It doesn’t help. Instead say, “I’m sorry you are hurting. No one will ever be able to replace [insert child’s name here] and I am sorry for that. Your circumstances were really crappy and that really sucks.” Validate their grief. Give them permission to have these feelings by affirming it to them. It DOES suck. It WAS crappy. And you ARE sorry they are hurting, right?

Who?

This one probably irks me the most. “Who?” When you openly say something about your child such as, “[Insert child’s name here] started horseback riding lessons last month! He’s doing really well!” If a first mom is talking to you in this context, about her child, it is going to be assumed that you know of the child she is talking about. Your response of, “Who?” says to her that you don’t care enough to remember her child’s name just because she isn’t parenting them. This will also make her less likely to openly discuss her child with you in the future (see my first list entry). Whenever I get this response I have to then say, “you know, the child I gave up for adoption.” Saying those words cuts like a knife. Usually it’s the only way I can make people understand who I’m talking about. Then I become a little angry at them. Come on, really? You don’t care enough to know who I’m talking about? I know I don’t bring her up much, but how long have we known each other? Please….at least remember her child’s name.

You Gave Him/Her a Better Life

You don’t know that. No one knows that unless they own a crystal ball or can time travel. The outcome of one’s life compared to the potential outcome of a potentially different life is something we, as mere humans, are not privy to. Even if that weren’t true, would you like me to tell you that you should have given your children up for adoption so they would have had a better life than what you’re giving them? Maybe they would have been better off with someone making $200,000 a year instead of the measly $70,000 you’re pulling in. Are you divorced? Your children would have been better off if you had given them up for adoption. Then they would have had a two-parent household. Oh! I know! It’s never too late! You should give your children up for adoption so they can have a better life. Do you see how asinine that sounds? Saying “You gave your child a better life” is probably the most cruel things you can say to a first mom. It reaffirms, to her, all the things the industry told her. She wasn’t good enough and her child is better off without her. In most situations, this simply isn’t true. Instead of saying, “You gave your child a better life” how about just not saying anything at all.

#ShoutYourAdoption

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4 thoughts on “Top 5 Things Not To Say To A Birthmother

  1. Wanna hear something sad…. I’ve dealt with every single one of these from my own family, not distant cousins or long lost aunts,… of course most of those don’t even know about my adoption, unless my mother ran her mouth about it behind my back… I’m taking about my immediate family. My own mother, sister, & brother!!! My daughters grandparents. Aunt uncle.. I’m surrounded by ignorance, obviously, when it comes to my daughter!!! How could my mother forget the granddaughter she pushed and witnessed away even while my heart was breaking, Despite me saying over and over , “this isn’t natural, this isn’t right”?!? How can she say, she “doesn’t wanna talk about it because she’s had enough stress for the day”, the one or two times, I have ever even brought it up to her?!? (Regretted deeply, both times) Or get this, my brother who is having a baby girl, just 2 years after my daughter was born, is EVEN using SAME middle name I gave my daughter, has not even acknowledged that fact, forget any of my pain over it, but to not even think of saying something to me about the name, because it wasn’t even thought of, pretty much makes me sick.. I don’t understand!! A name is free to use, sure, I get it, it’s not that so much as it is the simple fact that it’s completely dismissed and unthought of!! My daughter and the adoption that crushes my soul daily, and gets worst this time of year, is invalid and nonexistent in my family. Even Her name given at birth, by me, a name that is far more important to me, than a name given to her by the strangers who are raising her, does not exist! At the very least it should mean something to my family, even if not as much as it means to me, it’s worth acknowledging at least right?!?! No!!! Somehow my daughter, and her name, and even the simple fact that this adoption DID happen, are completely irrelevant. So irrelevant, that not one person, in my entire family has said anything to me about it, about her, or about the name. I’d never, never In a million years, be able to dismiss, something this big and horrible happening in their lives. No way, no how am I that cold or thoughtless. Even my own sister seems to forget , not only how horrible she treated me when I wanted to “keep” my daughter, but my daughters existence altogether.
    With the exception of my four-year-old daughter, who acknowledges her sister from time to time, even at such a young age and while knowing so little, there is not one person around me who cares, who acknowledges it or who I can even talk to about it, even on the rare occasion if I need to.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That is truly sad, Laura. Your family sounds like they don’t deserve you. I know that doesn’t help. It doesn’t change things. My hope is that this can be something moms can share to, at least, hold accountable those in their lives who show no compassion or empathy whatsoever. Big hugs to you. ❤

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    • Hugs, Laura. I truly feel your pain and wish I didn’t know what that was like. My so-called family and friends are exactly the same way. It’s been three years and in all that time, no one mentions my son; it’s literally as if he never existed. If I bring it up, doesn’t matter how, the subject is uncomfortably changed. UNACCEPTABLE! This changed me in that I used to believe people cared and were there for me, at least when it mattered, and now I know better. I still love them but do not consider myself close with any one really.

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