“As an adoptive mom, I honestly think that there is nothing worse that one mother can do to another mother than withholding promised contact with a child.”
As a member of the adoption community I come across many comments from adoptive parents through various outlets on the Internet. My blog has always focused on the unethical side of adoption as that is what needs addressing. Over the past several months I have been collecting statements made by adoptive parents online and wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them. When I decided to start compiling these statements, as I have run into so many horrid ones, I started to run across adoptive parents that blew me away, and not in the negative way you may be thinking. Sadly, the ignorant, cruel, and selfish statements no longer surprise me. They still enrage me but they don’t surprise me. It is sad that I am surprised by statements that are the opposite of the ignorant ones. However, to be well-rounded, I needed to get a platform for both.
The opening statement of this article is powerful. Not only is the adoptive mother acknowledging that breaking promises in regards to contact is one of the most horrible betrayals, she is also acknowledging the motherhood of first moms. That statement was the one that started to give me hope. It was the one that blew me away. I would still like to point out that I believe in family preservation first. However, we have to face the reality that family preservation is not always possible and there are some circumstances in which a child would be safer not being raised by their first parents. In these cases, it is nice to see adoptive parents who have taken the time to educate themselves and think not only about the adoptee but also the parents of that child and how they may be feeling.
So, without further ado, some of the most inspiring comments made by adoptive parents that I have run into online, over the months. Be sure to stay tuned until the end for a stark contrast to these statements.
“What you are giving him and his mom is priceless.” At first glance you would think this statement would be directed at an expectant mother or birth parents. It isn’t. This statement was made in regards to a foster child about to be successfully reunited with his family.
“My family and friends have questioned our openness for a long time, but everyone has learned we view first/birth/bio family members of our children as family regardless. They can accept it or not, but all family is welcome in our home, hearts, and lives.” Many times I hear of adoptive parents cutting off or greatly diminishing contact because of pressures from their family. Sometimes it is because their families have validated their irrational fears or insecurities and all they needed was that affirmation that they should probably not be so open. It takes courage to go against those irrational fears and insecurities and, especially, go against your family not understanding to do what is best by your child as well as that child’s first parents. Kudos to you.
“I was weirded out when my son’s amended birth certificate arrived. I expected happiness or maybe relief but instead I felt like an impostor.” Here is an adoptive parent being honest with herself. Like most adoptees, she felt there was something “not right” about the lie that listed her as having given birth to her son. Birth certificates are NOT parent certificates. An accurate record of one’s birth should be the most fundamental of human rights. For adoptees that is not the reality.
“it’s better to call it and write it as “expectant mom” not “birth mom” because that isn’t the title she has yet.” Yes! Yes! Yes! She is not a birthmother. She is an expectant mother. To call her anything else is a subtle form of coercion. It plants the seed that she has already given up her child.
“It’s not a bad thing that mom takes baby home. She’s feeling out what she wants to do.” This statement was made in regards to a new mom who had considered adoption. The hopeful adoptive parent was concerned that the new mom had decided to bring the baby home before making a final adoption decision. This statement made me smile. This adoptive parent is advocating for a mother to at least TRY parenting first before deciding on adoption, even if it means no baby for a hopeful adoptive parent. How refreshing.
And now for the bad. I wish I had found more of the types of statements that I posted above. It’s just a reality, though, that most adoptive parents don’t get it. They don’t want to get it. They are too absorbed in what they want and cannot realize that adopting a child is totally different from having a child that is biologically yours. A baby will not cure infertility. That is something you need to deal with on your own accord separate from adoption. These statements, as you will see, also show that, when it comes down to it, a pregnant mother facing less than ideal circumstances in her life are looked at as a means to procure a baby and not much more.
“Is there any chance that he may not go back to mom?” This is a foster parent hoping for the mother of the child she is fostering to fail what the courts have required to get her child back. If you are fostering to adopt and have not accepted that the ultimate goal of fostering is to reunite families then you should not be fostering at all, in my opinion.
“The agency that we are planning to start the infant adoption process with encourages adoptive families to search for birthmothers on their own…How do we advertise/market ourselves effectively and affordably?” Anytime I hear “advertising” or “marketing” in regards to adoption I cringe. First of all, advertising and marketing are a means to persuade someone to pick your product over someone else’s or to purchase your product in the first place. Persuasion is the power of marketing. Persuasion is another word for coercion when it comes to adoption. No. No. No.
“Ohh trust me, she didn’t plan him, didn’t want him, and there’s no regrets what so ever! I know that. I’m glad. it’s all good.” This statement was made in regards to a birthmom pulling away from an open adoption. Instead of wondering how she must be feeling the adoptive parent makes these statements. Honestly, just based on this statement alone, I would make an educated guess that the adoptive parent didn’t it make it easy to want to take part in the open adoption. Even if the above was true – she’s GLAD? She’s glad her child’s first mom wouldn’t want anything to do with him. How about the emotional health of her child? How about all those adoptees that face rejection and the emotional turmoil that comes with it? She’s GLAD! Why? Because her child is her property. She owns him.
And here are her follow-up comments when other adoptive parents held her accountable for her statements (go other adoptive parents!!):
“Okay I understand. It might sound bad but I really am glad she doesn’t care. It’s easier. Yes in 15 years my child might feel differently but I would never explain it to him like this. It’s easier to vent and get my feelings out on here. I wouldn’t ever look at my son and tell him he wasn’t planned or wanted or cared about by his birth mother. Even though I know the truth.” <——— Not much better.
“She cannot legally smoke, drink alcohol, consent to sex, get married, drive a car, vote, work full-time, or adopt a child … but simply because she is pregnant, she can decide the fate of another human being. In the eyes of the law, she isn’t old enough & mature enough to handle any of those other things, yet she can legally make the choice to parent a child. To me, there is something really wrong with that and it speaks to how our society views children as property.” This hopeful adoptive parent was pissed that pregnant teens didn’t have their babies taken from them and given to more “competent” parents, you know, like her since she wants one. I really like the “property” comment, though. I found it ironic since she was, essentially, talking about distributing children to the most worthy parents….like property.
And a follow-up comment:
“There used to be a commercial for insurance that pointed out that a teenager’s brain isn’t fully formed yet. But we’re still allowing these children to parent children.” We’re ALLOWING them to parent children? Do these people really advocate for stealing a woman’s child simply because she’s a teenager? I cannot believe there are people who think this way! These are the hopeful adoptive parents of the future! How can you be sure which one you’re going to get? One from the first section of this article or one from this section.
“Apparently [sic] the children’s former foster mom is somehow lurking on my FB page and told them (the biological parents) we were changing the babies names. I stumbled a bit and denied it. I know stupid. I’m careful to always select friends only when I post and she is not a friend.” She admits it was a stupid move. However, the stupid move wasn’t lying to the parents of the children she hopes to adopt. She is saying making the post about changing their names view-able by anyone was stupid. This is, most likely, a case of CPS removal but the courts have given the parents the chance to choose adoptive parents. In order to be the “chosen” one she has lied to the parents. How despicable is that?
And HER follow-up comment:
“Is it bad that I want to plant fake posts about moving over seas once the adoptions are finalized?” Does she think this is a game? Does she like causing heartache?
“My husband and I are starting the adoption process on 2 baby girls, They are turning 1 & 2 next month. We need to get on the same page about whether or not we are going to tell them up front they are adopted….I personally don’t want to force it on them but if they ever ask they will then find out the truth. He wants to raise them letting them know they are adopted.” Are we seriously still having this conversation in 2015? If they ever ask? Why would someone ask if they were adopted if nothing led them to believe that they were?
“Tell them to take some time to regroup. That is a traumatic loss.” What I find so funny about this comment is that it is directed to a friend of a hopeful adoptive parent. The mother of the child decided to parent once the baby was born. So, let me get this straight, it is a traumatic loss to the hopeful adoptive parent (who did not carry that baby for 9 months, feel it move, give birth to it) but it ISN’T a traumatic loss to the mother of that child? Isn’t that what the adoption industry tells us? It isn’t trauma?
“Is there a movie that we can watch about telling our daughter she’s adopted?” So, not only have you not been having the “adoption” conversation since birth, you now want to play a movie to let her know? Parents of the year, folks.
What have I learned? I have learned that most hopeful adoptive parents or adoptive parents, in this day and age, still don’t truly get it. They haven’t taken the time to look beyond their own nose. But I kind of already knew that. I have been able to truly accept that not ALL adoptive parents are ignorant. They are listening. Like I said, that gives me just the tiniest bit more hope.
What list would you belong in as a hopeful or adoptive parent?
2 thoughts on “Statements Made By Adoptive And Hopeful Adoptive Parents – More Education Is Still Needed”
We will never tell our daughter what one adoptive GRANDMOTHER told an adoptee searching for his birth family, “Your mother never wanted you nor loved you.” Who is that grandmother to believe there was no love involved? And even the phrase, “Didn’t want you” is awful. I’d rather say that mom couldn’t be a mom like she wanted to so chose another mom. And then ENCOURAGE him to keep searching. Ugh, I get angry at the selfishness of some adoptive families.
The one about not telling…Ahh, I don’t know what to do with a friend of mine. Her daughter is 4 years old and still doesn’t know. I’ve told her to tell her before. And when the child asked about the foster parents who took care of her after she came from hospital,(after seeing their pictures in the album that was made for her at the baby home) my friend STILL couldn’t tell her why she was being cared for by those people. She says she froze and just told her it was people who took care of her… (She was a very sick preemie and had tubes etc) I don’t know how to get her to tell. Our baby is 4 months old and I’ve already started telling her how loved she was by her mom. I know some people would say the mom has no right to know about the child after what she tried and the choice she made on her own, but I believe she deserves even more love and attention because of it. She needs to know we don’t condemn her for it. And (as I’ve mentioned with our South African paradigm) she needs to know that we applaud her for, as she herself said not “dumping” her. So many babies here die on trash heaps, in the open bush, found with ants eating them, dogs eating them…Our country is awful when it comes to ‘unwanted’ babies that any birth mom who still after giving birth to a living baby is coherent enough not to just take the baby and throw it down a toilet-has happened many times- deserves to have her child told that she is loved. Deserves to know how that child is, to see her, to know that she’s definitely being taken care of. That she knows her first mom loves and cares for her.
Ahh, the pot meets kettle at the viewing of babies as property comment!
I’m just an ignorant adoptive mom. I’m also probably very guilty of saying the wrong things. And so I’m grateful for posts like yours. I have searched and searched for birth mom experiences. I actually told the ladies on the adoptive group that there’s no support for birth moms in our country. Not many even commented on that. Only one agreed. There are no blogs. No facebook pages…I guess to be fair maybe it’s because most are really poor and from uneducated places where there is no internet anyway, like our birth mom. But as my husband said, “I wonder how much counselling and support they get after placing their children. Or are they only counselled to ‘get’ the child and once that’s done they’re on their own?”
I hope you don’t mind my commenting on your posts. I’m just glad to know what you’ve written.
Oh, one more thing. What are your views on transracial adoptions when it comes to the adoptees? Or is that something you don’t really want to comment on because it’s not really your field of experience?
Here it is awful. The children get told in front of their parents by strangers, “No, this is not your mother.” Or the adoptive mom gets told, ‘Oh, you did a good job, saving her from living in a shack…” (Yes, because all of us black people live in shacks!) Or, “Ahh, at least now he’ll learn to talk properly.” So, the black kids of white parents-which is 99% of them because white is the minority in terms of numbers and majority in terms of wanting to adopt-have their colour differences thrown in their faces all the time. I hurt for them. And the white prospective parents who would rather wait years for white (or as close to white as possible) are harassed by other white adoptive parents for wanting a child who won’t be a walking adoption advertisement. Seriously it gets bad. they are judged and condemned even after explaining that it’s for the child’s sake, not for ‘pride’ or wanting to hide that the child is adopted. Anyway, this has become an essay and I need to stop.